Inflammatory Breast Carcinoma & Klondike Bars
August 8th, 2009 by (Michy)
I’ve been sitting here for the past couple of days trying to pretend like I’m not going in to be tested for cancer on Tuesday. It’s worked well until today. For some reason today I’ve been doing ‘research’, reading everything I can about inflammatory breast cancer – read one website and feel better and then read another and scare myself, and then get frustrated because there’s not a whole lot of information out there about IBC, and the little bit that is out there is repeated almost verbatim on every website I go to.
Some of the pictures I’ve seen are horrible compared to what I’m experiencing and some of them I’ve seen are very mild and make me think what’s going on with me is really bad.
The thing that’s scaring me the most right now is that the PA said the cream, if it was what she thought it was, would have shown improvement in about two or three days. Reading online also says it should have shown improvement. Reading the instructions from the pharmacy, it says I should have shown improvement.
Needless to say at this point I think you can figure out –I haven’t shown improvement.
In fact, some things have gotten worse, such as the swelling in the axillary lymph area, pain, tenderness, and soreness.
I’m hoping that in a week, I’ll be feeling really foolish for being worried right now… but in the meantime, I’m scared, I think. Or maybe numb. Not sure. I’m not scared of dying. I’m scared more of what might be necessary in order to live. As Wilson on the show House said once, “Dying is easy; it’s living that’s hard.”
Of course, House comes back with, “That can’t possibly be as poignant as it sounds.”
So I called my mother last week and told her I was being tested for IBC. She di some internet research, proceeded to tell me how the test the doc is doing isn’t indicated on the website she was on, and then told me, “Well, at least you’ll lose some weight.”
Thanks, mom. Guess we all deal with this our own way, right? Is it any wonder I’m not crazy?
Oh, wait, I am.
Crazy.
Crazy for feeling so lonely…. I’m crazy.
Oh, wrong venue. This isn’t karaoke.
My daughter, I told her last night, and she sorta flipped out. She doesn’t deal well with crises. That’s my girl. Told her there is nothing to freak out about yet.
There’s not.
Still, I’m reading and reading and reading.
And running through my head all night long and most of today while I’m reading is the lyrics to the commercial song, “What would you do oo ooo for a Klondike bar.”
Remember I said I was crazy? The mind is a funny, funny thing.
Love and stuff,
Michy
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Posted in Personal | 9 Comments »
August 8th, 2009 at 6:12 PM
Not knowing is the worst thing, I think. I remember scaring myself reading all of the things on the internet that I might possibly have. It can drive you nuts, especially when there is not a lot of information out there. Some sites will provide just the doom and gloom of a disease and that just sucks because really, that’s no answer or comfort to the one looking.
You and your family will be in my thoughts, Michy, during this time. I really feel for you because you not only worry about going for the test, but then you have to worry while waiting for the results. That sucks too. Take a break from that computer and have a Klondike! You deserve it!
August 8th, 2009 at 6:19 PM
Dear Michy,
I don’t know what Tuesday will bring. I wish I did. I wish I could tell you that Tuesday will arrive all sunny and full of promise and that as the day unfolds, you’ll find that your health is a non-issue. That you’ll be able to call your mom and tell her that you may be putting on a few pounds this week because you’ve just come from Sam’s Club, where you bought the jumbo sized box of Klondike bars and that you intend to savor them freely, each one a small celebration of your unfounded worries.
But I can’t.
What I can tell you is that I will keep you in my prayers. And that when I buy my groceries, I’ll add a package of Klondike bars to the cart and will think of you, and send you well wishes, as each ice cream treat is unwrapped and enjoyed.
Lots of love and hugs (and stuff) to you. No matter what else, you are not alone.
Beth
August 8th, 2009 at 7:56 PM
I agree with Kimberly, and sounds like you do to. Not knowing, being left sitting on the fence, seemingly alone, is the worst part.
I don’t know you, but if you were my best freind, who has a chronic autoimmune disease, I would tell her to stop the research. Read a good book, instead. Get your mind off it, as much as possible, for the next two days. (Easier said than done.)
Some things are out of our hands, but I really believe nothing is out of God’s hands. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. That’s all I can offer, but it is certainly the best I have to offer.
Words are cheap and easy — You are enduring the hard part. God bless you and grant you peace.
I’m waiting to hear good news next week.
What WOULD you do for a Klondike bar? The mind is a weird thing.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:21 PM
Oh man, I hate that you’re going through this unknown, scary situation. Like others have said, I’m sure the fear of the unknown is the worst part, and I hope and pray that you’ll be laughing about it next week too.
Yet, though there are so many unknowns, there is one thing we all know: You are superwoman. You face trials with realism and humor and you kick, scratch, and claw your way through. You, my dear, are absolutely inspiring if not simply for this reason, but many, many others.
In the meantime, if it makes you feel any better, I’m crazy too: I don’t even like Klondike bars. Gimme a normal ice cream sandwich any day.
August 9th, 2009 at 2:50 PM
Back away from the computer. The worst thing you can do is research an illness on the computer. Yes, I do it too, but that is why I know it is the worst thing you can do. For some reason what is on the internet and what ends up being reality is like day and night.
Take a break from the internet and sing the Klondike bar song at the top of your lungs, watch your favorite movie or anything but the internet.
Big hug from one cray person to another!
)
August 9th, 2009 at 5:00 PM
Oh, sweet Michy. I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this. Not knowing is definitely the hardest to deal with. Answers help me make plans, decisions, break down in tears, but at least I have answers.
Researching on the internet is one of the absolute worst things to do in a situation like this. However, we all do it anyway.
Now, go eat you some yummy Klondike bars instead of just singing about them!
Lots of love to you. 
August 9th, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Getting some answers, understanding, finding out what’s going on… all these will help. It’s hard not to be scared… even the possibility of IBC is sobering. But you’ll get through this. We’ll get through this. Whatever it is. Like you, I hope we’ll get to laugh about this very soon!
Right now, though, I think I’m supposed to be buying Klondike bars… or Funyuns…. or cracklins… or bing cherries… or something!
(((HUGS)))
August 11th, 2009 at 9:47 AM
I’ve got no words to say, magic or otherwise. That back forth checking on the internet, I surely can see how that would consume me too; plucking the petals off that daisy: ‘it’s gonna be ok, it’s not gonna be ok’. I’m thinking of you (and your daughter) and praying for you to the God of my understanding. love mar
I’m subscribed so please keep us updated, okay?
August 11th, 2009 at 12:10 PM
I am so sorry, Michy. I didn’t know you were going through this. I really am out of the loop! I am praying for you. I researched IBC a while back and it is scary to read all the information. I think you’ve read enough for now. Do the test, place your trust in God and pray. I will keep you in my prayers. I wish for you peace, less stress, and good test results!